


painting rainbows on my ugly face

by euphoriaspill



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Child Abuse, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Older Man/Younger Man, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-18 18:11:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20643491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoriaspill/pseuds/euphoriaspill
Summary: It takes Zuko a long, long time to come to terms with who he is.





	painting rainbows on my ugly face

**Author's Note:**

> ...... am i really back in this fandom......
> 
> confession: i never loved the 'sozin institutionalized homophobia' reveal from the comics, i always felt like it was a cheap way to make him even less sympathetic, and figured that if any nation would hold those prejudices it would be the water tribes, who have very rigid gender roles. then i imagined this playing into ozai's disdain for zuko, and the rest is history.
> 
> the title is from little secrets— passion pit :)

.i.

Zuko is seven and he has a secret inside of him, like a flower threatening to bloom out of concrete. It emerges for the first time when his father catches him kissing his friend Shinji.

The slap comes as a terrifying, sudden shock; Shinji scrambles away and flees into a corner of the gardens. He crouches down, gets close to Zuko’s bleeding face, twists his arm. “I’m not going to have a faggot for a son. Do you understand me?”

Zuko doesn’t, but he knows better than to contradict his father, so he nods anyway. He never sees Shinji again.

.ii.

Zuko is eleven and Mom’s been gone for a long time, long enough that he’s stopped asking Dad where she went. In her place comes a procession of stepmothers, then, inexplicably, Captain Zhao.

“Are you going to tell anyone about this?” Zhao asks one night, slipping next to him in bed— Zuko is dizzy from too much rice wine and not enough supervision. “You wouldn’t, your highness, you know better—“

He does. He screws his eyes shut as Zhao starts sucking at his collarbone, as the world fades into a strange, warped dream. Knows exactly who his father would blame.

.iii.

Zuko is fifteen and whenever he argues with his lieutenant, he imagines Jee bending him over a barrel in some deserted corner of the ship, fucking the attitude out of him. The men under his command are all criminals, practically sentenced here, unmanageable and irascible like the Fire Lord’s son. Maybe Jee’s a degenerate too.

Or maybe he’s sick like Zhao— maybe Zhao infected him with something. Whenever he imagines all this, late at night, his hand down the waistband of his sleep pants, he tries to picture his uncle’s face— the sheer disgust there— and snaps out of it.

.iv.

Zuko is sixteen and Jet is kissing down the side of his neck in a shadowy part of the ferry. “My father wouldn’t like it,” he says. He’s dangerously close to giving himself away, the Earth Kingdom’s more accepting about these things, but in the occupied colonies—

Jet pulls away, but even in the dim light, Zuko can see his eyes burn bright with desire. “You always do what your daddy says?”

He thinks about being branded a traitor. Literally. He’s not giving up anything he hasn’t already lost. “Like hells,” he says, and fumbles with the drawstring on Jet’s pants.

.v.

Zuko is seventeen, the youngest monarch in Fire Nation history, but he swears he’s never been more nervous. “I’ve slept with men,” he says— Mai’s hand stills as she brushes out her hair. “Does that change things? Between us?”

"I think I always knew,” she says slowly, choosing her words with care. “Why Ozai was so harsh with you— one of the reasons, at least. And it doesn’t change anything.”

He stands frozen still; she comes up to him, cups his face in her hands. “I love you. All of you.”

He’s wanted to hear that his entire life.


End file.
